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Hi friends, welcome to the Pain Free Birth podcast. I'm your host, Karen Welton, a certified doula childbirth educator and mother of three. In this space, we'll hear positive, supernatural, and yes, even pain free birth stories from women just like you. We'll explore the deeply spiritual side of childbirth and how God designed women's bodies brilliantly for birth. Let's get started.
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Friends, today I am interviewing Erin Wilkins. You may know her as Essentially Erin on Instagram. She is a registered nurse, a mom of five, an online educator, and she has been sharing her journey about going from the medical system into natural holistic living and how moms can support their families with natural living. And she's just an incredible woman. We're talking about her.
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just going to be gushing and talking today about the evolution of birth and motherhood and what that journey has looked like for her. And I know she has some incredible gems to share with you. So welcome, Erin. Thank you so much. It's so good to be here. And thank you for having me. Awesome. So when we were chatting, because I was, we recorded an episode for your podcast, we were just going on and on about birth. We're like, we can talk about this all day.
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Which we probably could. We could hope, yeah. But I'd love to hear from our listeners. I know I've probably shared some of your reels, your stories over the years. We've been Instagram friends and it's so good to like sit down and talk with you. It's, I just love this community, but I'm sure my listeners would love to hear what were your birth experiences like and how did they like evolve you as a mother? Yeah. Oh, I love that topic. It's like one of my favorites because I think.
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birth and our experiences play such a huge part in who we are as mothers and as women, right? Yeah. And so, yeah, I mean, my story, I have always been fascinated with birth. When I started college and when I was in nursing school, I think I was like 22 when I started nursing school. And learning about the process of birth and pregnancy and how our body prepared us for birth and just the entire process from...
02:23
yeah, conception to birth and labor and delivery and everything that happens in that process, like the hormones and where our ligaments and joints soften to allow passage of the baby. Like all these things is just so perfectly orchestrated. And I just remember being fascinated by the process. And I had a professor who was very naturally minded. I think she'd had her babies at home, which I think is pretty rare. It was anyways, rare.
02:50
when I was going to school to have someone who was like in the medical industry but choosing home birth. So I was really just fascinated by this idea of like natural unmedicated birth. And I loved my labor and delivery rotations in the hospital. And I would go in and I would see these women giving birth. And it was so beautiful. I am a believer in all forms of birth is beautiful, right? Like it's a life, it's a new life, and it's this transformative experience for the woman.
03:20
And she should absolutely birth where she feels safest and most comfortable. But there are like nuances in that, right? So these experiences were so beautiful, but I remember just feeling this disconnect in watching and having them feel so medicalized and like what I knew to be God's design in birth and just that it was perfectly orchestrated to not need any intervention and women have been giving birth this way for like all of time before us, right? Really.
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medicalization of birth as a newer model. Yep. And that's such different worlds to be a part of both as a nurse seeing all of the things that happen in a hospital. What was that like for you? Was that confusing? Were you like, I don't why is it so different than the way God designed it? Like, yeah, how did you process it? Yeah, yeah. So it was like there was a disconnect. And so I just felt I think there's something we're missing here, but I don't know what it is. And I just remember
04:16
feeling like I really want to experience birth without all this, without the intervention, without the IV, without the pitocin, without the epidural. I don't want to be on my back pushing it. All this kind of looked not like the optimal way to give birth to me. Yeah, like that doesn't look fun to me. Yeah. And so I was like in awe, you know, right? You see this woman pushing out this baby. It's amazing. It's a life. It's so cool. But there was just a disconnect. Yeah.
04:40
And so I remember just thinking and my professor was educating us on home birth too. And she told us, here's some pros and cons to home birth and I learned all about that. And so I just remember thinking like, oh man, when I have babies, I want to try to have them at home. That just seems like the best setting for me to just have my baby. Something about that really resonated with me. And so fast forward to working as a nurse for multiple years and then I got married and got pregnant with my first baby.
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Initially, I didn't know any midwives. And so I went the OB-TYN route, went and had an appointment, but I didn't feel fully good about going that route. I knew I still wanted to explore home birth. So I started looking into midwives in my area. My mom's friend actually was like, oh, I've had all my babies at home with these midwives. They're amazing. Like you should call them. And so I called them up and talked to them and they're like, yeah, we do free consultation. So the difference between.
05:39
My experience at the OBGYN's office, who was great, and my midwives was like, oh yeah, why would I not go the midwife route? Right? Like they're so nurturing. They put you at ease. They spend time answering your questions. They just make you feel like you were born to do this, which you were, versus it feeling just very check the boxes. Okay. Everything's good. Like it's, it's very medicalized. It's just very stark differences. You're a number on a chart. Yeah. It's a conveyor belt of. Yeah.
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systems, you know? Yeah. It's night and day. Women don't understand that. Until you experience it, yeah. Until you experience it, it's a night and day difference and it's just profound. And I think all women deserve good midwifery care. Oh my gosh. Not that there aren't some amazing OBs out there, but yeah. There are. Yeah, there are. And my OB was amazing, but it's just a different mindset in how you approach birth. Like it's just inherently different. And so, yeah, I need to become a midwife just so women can have...
06:35
better midwives. Midwives, yes. But all my midwives are incredible. So anyways, it was very apparent and I continued like concurrent care for a little bit, but eventually just decided, you know what, I'm going to go all in with my midwives. And I just felt like that was the best decision for me. Now, did you switch to home birth or did you plan a home birth from? I planned home birth. I mean, with your first. Yeah, with my first. Awesome. Yeah, not too many women do that. Not too many. And this was in 2013.
07:05
It was before it was popular. Really? Well, it's always been popular. It was before social media. But before social media. It feels very different now. Okay, so this is like before social media. So I'm just telling my friends who have had babies in the hospital and my mom, right, who's had all of us in the hospital, and people are like, that seems kind of wild, like kind of crazy. Why are you choosing to do this? It seems maybe dangerous. There's a lot of uneducation around home birth still at that time.
07:35
That was just interesting to navigate. And I've been talking about home birth online for, I don't know, seven, eight years now. So I've seen this evolution in like acceptance, which has been really cool. And maybe that's just my bubble, but it does seem like it's more widely talked about now. Yeah. It's great. I'm like, I'll for it. Yeah, you're right. Cause I had, I'm just realizing I had my first home birth in 2013 as well. And at the time, you're right, there wasn't a big online.
08:00
Community social media was like barely a thing. Yeah, it's not like we were seeing home birth videos all the time I remember trying to find Positive pain-free birth stories for months looking at books and just praying let me meet somebody by chance and I would go to home birth circle groups and Her to paint free birth story there It was like God line stuff up But I couldn't go online on social media and search and get like hundreds of birth stories or birth videos like you can now
08:27
That actually is what motivates me to do what I'm doing now. Like I want to make this available to women. And isn't that incredible that only in the last 10 years have we seen this huge sharing of home birth and physiological birth and natural birth. And it's becoming, I don't want to say the norm, but more normalized for sure. Totally. And more accessible for women to get the information they want to find these birth stories, to watch videos of women giving birth every day, if you want online. And
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That just didn't exist in 2013 when we were preparing. Yeah, it didn't. I know, and it's really even been like, you know, I started talking about home birth on my platform in, I would say 2015. And it was even a few years where it was like, you get birth at home? Like that isn't it? You know, it was like, I had to- You're the weird crunchy one. Yeah, I would say it's really just been the last like, since COVID probably where it's become a little bit more normalized. Anyways, so yeah, it's been cool to see this evolution of-
09:24
acceptance of it as an option more women are considering it as an option or at least knowing they have options which I think is great because before it was just like you get pregnant you see an OBGYN you go to the hospital have your baby right just right that was the norm and maybe you have a home birth for a second but with the first you better be safe and do it in the hospital yeah better make sure everything's gonna go well right yeah so first baby I just felt and I always tell women not always but I've said in the past when I'm
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in a position of vulnerability, the last place I want to be is somewhere where I'm having to be on defense. Yeah. With declining all these interventions. And so if I know that I'm not gonna want these interventions, then I would rather just not be in a place where they're gonna be presented to me. Right? And so it's almost like you're putting yourself in a situation where, yeah, you're just gonna have to more fully advocate for yourself versus being able to just...
10:21
relaxed into that space you need to be in labor. So I just knew that with my mindset and how I wanted to birth at home was the best environment for me. Yeah. And I just felt confident and it never changed. My midwives too always said home is a starting point. Every woman starts labor at home and you either progress and if you need to go somewhere else, you can. That's an option. But if not, if everything goes smoothly, you just stay home and you have your baby at home. And it's just...
10:50
That's actually really true. Yeah. It's a starting point for every woman. Even if you're planning to transfer to the hospital and have the baby there, home is still a starting point. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. So how did that first birth and then the next ones, what changed for you? What were some of the biggest lessons you learned in giving birth? I should have written these down. I think it's.
11:17
I know every single birth taught me something different, but now I'm going to have to think about it instead of planning ahead, which I never do. My first one, so I went into labor in the middle of the night, I think it was like 40 weeks and six days. Went into labor around 3 a.m. and she was born at 8 p.m. the next day. I didn't do any courses, I didn't do any prep work, I just had this belief that my body would know what to do.
11:47
I had enough support between my midwives and my husband. And so I think that was good and also bad because I knew a lot about the birth process. I knew what was happening in my body, but I don't think I had a lot of coping mechanisms that I'd learned ahead of time. And so it was like in the moment I was trying to learn how to cope, that is like a learned skill, I think. So if we look at my first birth or my fifth.
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drastically different in how I like managed the experience. Yeah. And so I do kind of wish that I had more tools in my tool belt at that time, just that I could fall back and that would have made the experience a little bit not easier, but kind of easier for me. I think labor is always hard, it's labor, right? But my main takeaway was, I mean, I did so well. Like looking back from my first baby at home, I totally rocked it, but I could have.
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I remember just being very overwhelmed by the power that my body had. That was my takeaway was like, when she was born, I was like, what just happened? I did not know that existed in me. That power, that rawness, that strength, which was such a cool lesson as a first time mom, right? Oh my gosh, like I am such a badass. That is exactly how I felt. I just did that. Like.
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Oh my gosh! Mind blown. Yeah, totally mind blown that my body was that powerful because it does feel like so much power in your body that you're just like, wow, I did not know that existed. Yep. And then to push out, I mean, she was almost nine pounds for my first baby. It was like, look at this giant human that I just made. I just created it? Yeah. Pushed it out of my body. Totally mind blown by the experience. It is mind blowing when you think about it. Oh my gosh, women are badasses.
13:32
They are, they are. It is so, yeah, we're amazing. So, and it's such a gift, like the gift of giving life. It is such a gift. So just, yeah, that was my takeaway was like, oh my gosh, I am powerful. Like I am strong and powerful. And that was such a cool lesson to carry into my first experience as a mom, because you know what? I can do anything for this baby, even if this is hard. I can do anything. Whatever I need to do for this baby, I will do, because look, I already just did the hardest thing.
14:00
Yes, 100%. And how did that shift with your other ones? Yeah, and so I think it was still similar messaging, but like, my second, it was more lessons in surrender and like letting the process happen. I think with my first, I tried to resist it a little bit because I was like, what is going on? And I just didn't know how to cope with it. Yeah. And like letting go of control. And my second and third were very different, but also very similar.
14:29
So more lessons in that. And then I think everyone I just learned to cope better. It's a practice, right? So every birth you have, you're gonna get better and better at it. But yeah, my third felt very redemptive. And then it was like, I finally learned to surrender and to just let the process happen. Like those- What did that mean in that moment to you to surrender? I think it just meant just not trying to resist, like fully leaning into what was happening into my body and like almost welcoming it.
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the mindset of, you know, with each contraction, just like bring it on, right? Yes, give me a good one, give me a big one. I want to get through each one because I know that that's one step closer to my baby and I can do this. And just it kind of shifted from being me more on the side of resistance to just like welcoming it and leaning into each sensation and the intensity of it because I knew that's what would bring me my baby more quickly.
15:22
Not that I wanted to get it over, but it was just like, yes, I'm not going to resist this. I'm going to lean into it and let it happen and welcome it. And so that energetic positioning is a big deal. Yes. We talk about it, but like when we have that difference in our state, I'm going to lean into this versus pull back and fight it and brace for it. That makes all the difference in how much pain you feel during those contractions or how easily your body is opening. And
15:51
progressing in labor. Absolutely. And I would say that I described my first two as pain. My contractions, I would say that they felt painful. In your first two births? In my first two. That was the experience I felt in my body is, yeah, these hurt, they're painful. And I do know that there was a little bit more of that resistance in me. Yeah. And with- Because we don't know any better, usually. No, I don't know any better. And honestly, it had never really been introduced to me, the idea that they-
16:19
could be painless or that my mindset did matter. And I think I knew this, but it just wasn't, no one told me, people weren't talking about this. So I just had to kind of learn it through experience. Yeah, learn it intuitively for sure. And so my third, I think that was when I connected the dots was like, oh, okay, this is not, it doesn't actually have to be painful. It can just feel like intensity and power in my body. And if I just can relax the rest of my body,
16:47
and lean into each contraction and the intensity of it and welcome it, I won't register it as pain. I'll register it as power that's bringing me my baby. And right breathing, sending the breath down to my toes. I just was able to cope a lot better and shift that mindset. So, yeah, I would say that's what made my third and my fourth just really good experiences. So my fifth was my most redemptive birth. And there's so many reasons why the whole experience was like, ah.
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It's like, Timmy won't wear babies. The problem, Erin, you waited until your fifth to have the best redemptive birthday, now you have to have morning.
17:26
I know they were all great. They were all amazing. Yeah, all in their own way. Everyone. Oh, the moment that you have your baby, it is just, wow. I just walked through the fire and I came out with my baby in such a high, right? I had that with everyone. Every experience was amazing, even though I experienced them so differently. Yes. But my fifth, I became the birthing expert in my body and how to birth. You're right. I love that. Yes. So how was that one so different? Yeah. So.
17:55
With my first four, I would say the one little thorn in my side of making the perfect experience was I had this cervical lip. So my midwives kind of helped me understand that you can give your body more time and sometimes they will melt away, right? You're fully dilated and it's just the process. You just need to give it more time. But sometimes... Yeah, because it can be actually very normal and physiological. There's part of the cervix on the posterior side usually that...
18:25
pulls up last. And so we talk about it like it's a problem or a bad thing, but in many cases, I'm not sure with yours, but in many cases, that's just the last part to pull up or it's on one side or the other. And it's just a position change that's needed to like help that part of your cervix dilate by putting more pressure for baby's head. Because when that baby's head is putting pressure on the cervix, it'll naturally dilate all the way up. So it could just be a position change. It could just be more time. It's not usually pathological.
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but it could be, and it can cause problems if you're pushing into it and it gets swollen and they're concerned about that more so in the hospital. And I think that's because they tell women to force push and it's going to cause problems. Yeah. But in a home birth setting, it's much more rare that it creates issues. When you're not forced pushing baby, it generally just takes care of itself. But what was your experience with it? Yeah, so that was my understanding as well. And this happened in labor. It's not something I...
19:22
was educated on before until I was in birth and experiencing it. So my understanding was, yes, it's a normal physiological part of labor oftentimes, but sometimes it can be positional or have to do with your anatomy. And yeah, if you're pushing against it, obviously that could cause problems, but on occasion it can get swollen too and be stubborn. And so with my first, my labor was 18 hours and I had a cervical lip.
19:49
that lasted hours and hours. And I think my midwives were like, listen, you can labor longer and we can give this time and just see what happens. Or I can just hold it back for you through a few contractions and it will be gone and you'll have your baby. Right. So it was in that moment of being in transition for five hours. I'm like, yeah, let's do that because that's a really long time. I'm ready to be working through a lip. Yeah. I was exhausted. I was exhausted and just feeling like.
20:19
I don't know how much longer I can do this, you know? Yeah. And so if you have an option where I can make this happen faster, like I'm going to choose that and so that's what I chose. Well, I don't know if you've had that happen to you. But I know it's very painful. Oh my gosh. I think I have this role when someone tells me that they have a lip that's being held back, I can feel it in my body. I've never experienced anything more painful in my life. So that's just one of the only parts where I would have described as really painful.
20:48
Anytime they're having their hand inside you trying to manipulate your anatomy, I just feel like there's no way around that pain. And sometimes it's what you need, but yeah. Yeah. So they did. I told them to, like, if I had to stop, they wouldn't have stopped. Yeah. They gave me an informed choice. I made it, but man, that was painful. But yeah, they were able to push it back and I had my baby. I started pushing and it was, I had my baby. That happened with all of your first four? Four. Yes.
21:17
I got to the point where I was like, I'm at a seven or an eight and I'm just like stuck with this dang cervical lipid for hours. Yeah. Do you think it was not physiological in the sense of like normal birth, but connected to your emotions or fear or something underlying in your subconscious? So I think, and I talked with my midwives about this a lot.
21:38
because we were always like, okay, this was great, except for that one dang cervical lip. And with each birth, I kept having them. And so then I think I started to develop like a... Expectations. Everything's gonna be great, but I'm gonna have a cervical lip because I've had it with every baby. And I just subconsciously knew, I think I was telling myself that I was gonna experience this. And so I worked with my midwives to be like, we're just telling ourselves that this is not gonna be an issue this time, right? Everything's gonna open and clear and it's gonna be great.
22:06
And I would do that, but then I would still have a lip. And so then I got like even more, not discouraged, but just, it's just something with my anatomy, it's something with the way I labor. And of course I could give it more time and just see what happens, but I get impatient and I'm like, I'm done, just do it, because I'm ready to have my baby. Yeah. What do you think changed? So I had my first four with my same midwives in California.
22:29
And when I got pregnant with my fifth, we lived in Tennessee. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm pregnant. And I do not know how to do that. I mean, I knew how to do it without my midwives, but I was just like, I need to, I cannot do this without you. And so I called my midwife, convinced her to fly to me to have my fifth baby. Right. And she was actually, it's so love. Honestly, they're my family. They're just my second mom. I've learned so much from my midwives and they happen to be just retired. And so.
22:59
she could do that because she didn't have other clients. Yeah, so she came out a week before my due date, but in chatting with her on the phone and stuff, I was like, this is my last baby, I'm pretty sure, and I really want to not experience it this time. And I just had this feeling that I could make that happen for myself. I didn't know how, because I was like, it's happened with all four, and I accepted that if it happened with this one, that was okay, but I knew that I could find a way to not have it happen. So.
23:27
I spent time trying to visualize, okay, let me think about what happens during labor and why I have this lip. How I've labored in the past is very much staying in the position that was most comfortable for me through each contraction. And so that happened to be on my hands and knees with my belly like in the water. So I'm kind of leaning forward. And so I was thinking like, okay, when I'm laboring, this is pretty much my position the whole time I'm in labor. So the baby's head is putting pressure on that anterior.
23:57
cervix, right? The whole time I'm in labor. It's got to be something about that. And I found that in my first four, if I would switch positions, it was way more intense. And so I would immediately retreat back to being forward on my hands and knees with my belly in the water. Right? And so I'm just thinking this in my mind, I'm like, it's got to be positional. Just knowing what I know, it's got to be positional. Yeah, no, that totally makes sense.
24:23
So my midwife flew out a week before my due date and I was like, we had the same conversation. I'm like, okay, here's what I'm thinking. If I am always leaning forward and putting more pressure on the anterior lip, that's got to be why I keep having this issue, right? So if I just position differently and she's like, I think that's a great game plan. So when I went into labor, I just was like, okay, I am going to have to really focus on
24:48
moving all around, like repositioning, having every contraction be in like a different position. And this was why I loved this verse so much because the lesson I took away was so profound for me, but I'm not just gonna be able to just be in the position that's the most comfortable in order to progress. I'm gonna have to kind of lean in and choose the positions that are a little bit more intense, that are a little bit harder to get through if I want to not have this issue, if I want to progress without any cervical lift.
25:17
And that was what I was telling myself going into it. And so I knew it was gonna be a little bit harder for me mentally to like be on my back, be on my side, because that was way more intense than just leaning forward and being on my hands and knees. But that's what I did. And so in labor, in every contraction, instead of going to where I was more comfortable, I went to where I was the least comfortable in order to progress and it totally worked. And I also just was patient. I was like, this could be a really long.
25:45
My labors aren't short. So my first one was 18 hours and my subsequent three were all nine hours, which is normal. It's not long, but it's not super short. With Farah's, she's my fifth. I had three nights of being up with contractions from like midnight to 6 a.m. Three nights. It was so hard. And so I was already exhausted. And so I was going in feeling like I already had nothing to give. I was so tired.
26:14
And the night before I went into labor too, I was having contractions every 20 to 30 minutes. So her labor felt like days. It felt like four days in my mind. I think active labor was probably more like nine hours, but it just, there was so much going on in the days before that it felt way longer. So I was just already going, you know what? I am going to have to really dig deep to find the strength already. And knowing that I was also going to have to put myself in the positions that were more intense was, it was a lot for me to mentally.
26:44
overcome and I was very just, okay, here we go, right? Like I'm going to have to fully lean in, surrender, let go, mentally focus, like all the things that I knew I had to do even more so because I was so tired. I feel like a lot of times before my other babies, I would get this burst of energy before labor. I don't know if that happened to you. Yeah, yeah. Like the days before, right? Yeah, I'd be like, okay, I'm going to clean, I'm going to like, like the last is that nesting phase. That's nesting.
27:11
I did not have that this time. I tried to do a lap around my driveway and I was like, I can't, I just gotta go. I'm so tired. I just have to lay down. So maybe that's because you have four other kids. Could be. By then. No, truly. But no, that's so true. And I feel like finding the fortitude to manage your mindset when labor is exhausting like that, or you're just exhausted is so much the challenge.
27:38
of birth is really managing your thoughts and your mindset, no matter what the situation is around you. And honestly, the battlefield is in the mind. And I love though that you, despite how exhausted you were, you knew how important it was to manage that. And if you didn't, it's so easy. The temptation is there to go into despair and being a victim to your labor and having everything's just...
28:04
going wrong and bad and it's so easy to get lost in that darkness, I think. And I think a lot of women get lost in that, whether it's the exhaustion or the pain or the medical interventions and pulling yourself out of that or not allowing yourself to go that low in your energy is a lot of work. But also, wow, I'm just in awe of your strength and fortitude in that space. I mean, the alternative if you don't is...
28:31
possibly just having a terrible experience, right? It is the mint. But you still have to go through it. I still have to go through it. There's no way out, right? The only way out is through. So it's like, I mean- You get to choose how you go through it 100%. Exactly, exactly. And so I knew, yeah, it was kind of just, okay, buckle up, I'm gonna have to really dig deep. Buckle up, buttercup. You know what I mean? Like I knew it was gonna be my hardest and it was my hardest, but it was my best. It was my very best because it was like,
28:59
the epitome of the peaceful birth experience. Even though I was so tired and I was getting in these positions where it was way more intense, I just had the right mindset around it. Finally, I had reached the point where I just knew how to birth, right? And I'm not, I think you can have this from your first and second and third. I think you just, I just learned the hard way maybe. I don't know. They were all great and I would say my last three were very just relaxed and peaceful and great. My first two were a little more.
29:28
There was a little more inner turmoil going on. But I know when we talked about really verbalizing what you want in your birth, and I did this with my midwife leading up to it, and it was like, I want all my babies to be there, and I want to just feel relaxed, and I want to have my baby in the morning, and I don't want a cervical lip, and all these requests, and all of them happened. It was like...
29:53
I was like, I should have asked for more because... Yeah, right? That's why you have to have more babies. But I think once you realize you can do this, and teach women how to do this in my course, I'm like, no, you can actually ask. Like, I made a list. A list? Oh, I didn't want to have any tearing. I'd had some tearing with my other... I didn't want to tear. Like all these things, none of them happened. It was like, oh my gosh. It was the perfect birth. And even though it was my hardest, it was my longest. Wow. My most exhausting. But I sometimes think that the harder the experience...
30:23
the more redemptive when you come out of it. It's like, wow, that was actually my hardest, but look at me, I still did it. I'm a rock star, you know? Yeah. Did you have a cervical lip with her? I didn't have a cervical lip. I didn't, I just was patient. I was on my back, which I hated. I hate laboring on my back. It is not pleasant for me. So I really have to focus through those contractions to stay relaxed and breathing and all those things I know how to do, but.
30:50
I was on my back, I was on my side a lot and rotating from side to side. My midwife, I was like, I want you to check me because I just need to know if there's a lip and she checked me and she's like, oh my gosh, there's not a lip. I was like, are you serious? Oh my gosh, I did it. So and what did happen was she's like, there's a tiny, tiny bit, but it was like I'd already worked past where I'd gotten stuck before. So I was like, yes, it's working. I'm doing it. And so I labored a little bit longer. But then at one point...
31:19
She's like, you know, you're almost fully dilated, but I was feeling pushy. I know deep down, like when I feel pushy, that I could probably lean into that and push, but mentally I know I'm not fully. There's still a little bit of cervix there. So I was just concerned because of my history with a lip. I just was a little concerned. I'm like, is it really, is it okay? I'm feeling pushy. Can I push? She's like, just try it, see what happens, right? So I started pushing just little pushes and I could feel her dropping. And then she's like, when she's up that high,
31:49
push harder. If you're feeling pushy, like push. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to go for it. So I just got on my hands and knees, one big push and my water broke. And then it was like, okay, now she's coming down. Now she's coming, right? Like a pillar moved down. I was like, okay, and here we go. And that's the other thing we've talked about in person before in Dallas was like, oh, pushing. I tend to, well, I've always pushed on my hands and knees. And so my babies come really fast, because gravity, right? And I'm
32:17
power pusher because I just can't resist. It's just, I will just, yeah. Yeah, it just does it. And so I think because of that, I've had, I haven't ever torn badly, but I'll need a few stitches after which is just a little after you go through all that with labor and you have your baby, but then you have to be stitched. It's like kind of terrible. It feels like a slap in the face. Like, can I not tear this time? So I had a plan for this too. It was like, I'm not gonna use gravity this time. I'm gonna try.
32:43
I've tried pushing on my back or on my side before and it just hasn't felt good, but I was like, I think that's the only way I'm gonna not tear it if I can slow my baby down a little bit. So once my water broke and I could feel her drop, I kind of got on my back. Well, I had my husband hold me under my arm, so I wasn't sitting on my back, but I was leaning back and I really just was like, like kind of breathing her out, right? But yeah, once she started to crown, I got a push and I just, one big push, her head was out and.
33:11
my daughter reached down and touched her head, which was like such a special little moment for me. All my kids were there and they could see the baby coming out, right? It was so cool to have my kids there. Even my little boys were there. And yeah, one more push and I took a moment to make three coup. It was like, okay, I know I'm going to push one more time and I'm going to have my baby. And I just like, it's so beautiful. Yeah. But the head is the hardest part. The head is the hardest part. And I...
33:39
looked and I saw all my babies there and I just was like, oh my gosh, it was just such an emotional pretty when I paused and that's so beautiful kind of like, yeah, it was like, oh, I'm about, yeah, I'm about to have my fifth baby and all my others are here was just really cool. And so yeah, push her out and pick her up, grab her and it's just, you know, that high, like, that immediate rush that you get is just unreal, the best kind of drug, right?
34:06
And I'm just picturing visualizing it with all your whole family there. That is so sacred and beautiful. It was. I like get emotional. I, every moment a baby's born, like all of my baby's births have been sacred. But I think there's something about having my others there for the first time. And so they were old enough, I felt like to be there and she was born in the morning, so it was like, they were all there and it just, it was so sacred. And I know a lot of women wonder that. Should I have my?
34:33
kids there if it's a home birth. Do they talk about it? Was it a positive experience? Oh, yeah. And my girls are like, mom have more babies. That was so amazing. It was so cool. And I think my boys, I mean, Rafe, he's my youngest. He was only three. So he didn't fully understand, but like he knows now like he's, I saw my mom have a baby. When Ferret came out. Your perception of women, even as a little boy, to witness your mother give birth, because I feel like we have this very
35:01
modern culture that we think, oh, they'll be traumatized. And maybe that's true for some kids. I know for mine, I was a little nervous because I have a sensitive one and I didn't want to scare her too much. But how powerful for a little boy to witness feminine power in that way. Yes. And my son, Benny, he was five. He still talks about it. He's just like, that was so cool, mom, you're so amazing. Like, it was just, it was the best.
35:29
And I've said this a hundred times, but in that moment, it just feels like the heavens part and God is like, here's your baby. Like you connect with God in that moment. Yes. The most spiritual, amazing experience. So yeah, just having them all there. It was the best. It was the best experience. I'm literally just tearing up, like, picturing this as if I was there as a wallflower, I can imagine. Oh, that one is so... It was, yeah, it was... This is why women have like 10 kids. Good. I know. Back to...
35:57
Well, and honestly, I feel like for me the chaos is another level But it gets easier than where you have in a way because now I've got a 10 year old a 9 year old A 6 year old who are all helpers in a way And they're pretty independent and and they can help just with little things like here hold the baby while I shower for a minute Can you please grab me a diaper? That's helpful. Can you go pick out Ferris clothes? My girls are like, yes, I want to pick out Ferris clothes. Right, right. It's not like you have five newborns. You've got
36:26
Yeah. Yeah. Helpers. Free and under, like when I had a four-year-old, a three-year-old, and a newborn, that was hard. That was hard. That's the hardest, yeah. That's the max level hard, right? Yeah. But then they get older and you have more and then it just becomes more helpful. And seeing your oldest interact with the babies is the sweetest thing, so. Yeah, her birth was, it was just like all these things that I had wanted to change in my previous birth.
36:54
that I had listed out were just non-issues. And it just made me feel like I had just broken the code for myself, right? On, on peaceful births and just having the best experience. So, yeah. Oh, that is so beautiful. And did you tear in your fit? I didn't tear. I had a little, it wasn't so much a tear. It was kind of like a, how would you describe, like a skin tag that it would have? Like a skid mark. That's what my midwife calls them. You have a skid mark. Yeah. So they ended up just- I had that with my first, it was like a little cut, but it was internal.
37:24
It wasn't in my perineum. Yeah. But sometimes they come with skid marks. What that means is just if that's what you're talking about, like with their hand or their fist or something kind of scrapes a little bit in your vaginal wall on their way down, I don't know if that's what you mean. It wasn't that. It was a little bit of a tear. So they gave me one stitch, but she was like, I think it'll heal fine without, but it might be something where it bothers you cause it was like hanging. Yeah. So she's like, I think just.
37:50
You'll be happy. Get it out of the way. Get rid of the stench. Like down the road when you heal, it just might not heal perfectly. So I did get one stitched, but I don't, it was like, I don't call it tearing. I didn't tear it. I can't believe you. Yeah. It's like, you don't want a little piece hanging down. Yeah. But yeah. So anyways. That's amazing. I mean, what an incredible story. What did that fifth one teach you or any of them about motherhood? Oh, that was the lesson I love from my fifth one was I think in life.
38:20
Sometimes in order to progress, we have to be willing to sit in the most uncomfortable or most painful spot for a little bit, right? Like you have to lean into that discomfort. You have to be okay with not knowing or with sitting in that difficult sensation for longer instead of choosing the one that's least comfortable in order to get the most growth.
38:42
And that was the case in birth for me. And I think that's the case in life a lot of times is just being okay with choosing the path that's a little bit harder in order for you to progress. And yeah, that was just like a very physical lesson that I like ingrained in my bones is, you know what? This is not comfortable. This hurts. This is hard. This is very intense and I don't want to do it, but I know it's what I need to do in order to progress. And so I'm going to do it, right? And it doesn't last forever.
39:10
Like we go through hard things, whether in birth or in life. And sometimes we just have to go through them and it sucks or it's difficult or uncomfortable, like you said, or even painful, but it doesn't last forever. That doesn't have to be what birth is all about. Motherhood is always going to be hard. Yeah, absolutely. And then look what happens when you get to the other side. Yeah, like the beauty and the redemption of that birth and what you got. It's just incredible.
39:40
Yeah, and I think one of the reasons I love birth so much is because of those lessons. They teach you so much and it's ingrained in your body. What an initiation we get to go through. That's how I feel about birth. It's such an incredible initiation into motherhood. And the lessons we learn are like endless. They're so different and unique with each birth, with each woman. It's just an initiation. And I feel like that's part of how they designed it.
40:08
Yeah, I think so too. I think there's so much purpose in the lessons we're supposed to learn in birth. And if you summarize all the lessons, look at how powerful they are. Like one, my inherent strength and power and my courage, the willingness to surrender to something difficult in order to progress, and then being willing to sit in the most discomfort, the most intensity, or the most uncomfortable position to progress. So like, those are such important lessons in life, I think.
40:36
And to learn those in birth, you never forget those. And so then when you're going through anything hard in motherhood, it's just, well, this is how it is and we're gonna be okay. We're gonna get through and it's gonna be all right. On the other side, we just gotta take it one step at a time, one contractin at a time, one, you know, whatever you wanna wave, surge, whatever you wanna call it, whatever your language is. But yeah, that's why I love birth so much. When you birth, you meet your most powerful self.
41:03
and that will empower you in motherhood and in really every other area of your life. 100%. Yeah, that's so incredible and so powerful. And what a beautiful place to land, I think. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I think it's rare that we get to hear from such a seasoned mother who has had such beautiful experiences, especially today, like when I talk to women who've had five births, typically it's, oh, I had the first two in the hospital or one was a cesarean or.
41:33
Then by my second or third or fourth, I had the home one, but for you to have five home births and have the opportunity to learn those deep lessons about your body and birth and motherhood and surrender and choosing the hard path sometimes in order to get that reward. That's such a gift to young moms. I just pray that and hope that any pregnant women or young mothers will hear this and
42:00
Just be so encouraged. Even I feel like there's women here listening that might be desiring a large family. And just to hear from a mother who's done that and created a beautiful family and experienced birth in the most holistic way to embrace it and all of its challenges is just such an honor. So thank you for sharing with my community the gifts and the insight you have about birth and motherhood. It's been a privilege. Oh, it's my pleasure. Like I said, I think it's good.
42:28
Talk to her all day long. We could. Yeah. Oh, so if women want to hear more about what you do or what you offer, you guys can check out her Instagram on Essentially Erin, and that's E-R-I-N. We'll put that in the show notes so you can find her. Let me just end with this. What is one thing if you could share one piece of advice to young women entering motherhood, what would that be? I think just staying on the note of...
42:57
birth and how that will affect you as a mom and kind of shape, you know, your birth experience can shape your journey as a mom is just what I learned is not being afraid to really own your experience and make sure it's what you want it to be because it will have lasting effects on you as a mother and that giving life and birth is such a gift and there are so many lessons to be learned in that and so much purpose in the experience. I think
43:26
that we're meant to experience it that way for a reason. And so just really considering that as an option for you and is just embracing this primal way that we birth that God designed and trusting that there's a purpose in that. And I guess being willing to consider that for yourself and not just choosing what's mainstream but like digging in deep and thinking about how you want your experience to look and being okay with fighting for that experience for yourself and really owning it.
43:55
And knowing you're worth it. Yeah, you're worth it. And it will babies come out one way or the other, right? Whether it's vaginally through cesarean, like they come out and you become a lawn. But the way you feel about yourself in birth, if you aren't having an empowering experience that can have lasting effects for you. I just think every woman has the chance to be empowered by birth so, so much. And don't leave that on the table if that's something that you want for yourself.
44:24
because it's there for you and it is a gift. Yeah, thank you for sharing. We'll see you guys next week. Thank you.
44:35
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Pain Free Birth podcast. If you were encouraged, it would mean so much if you left us a five-star review and shared this with your community. I'd love to connect with you on Instagram at PainFreeBirth. To learn more about the Pain Free Birth e-course, free resources, private coaching, and upcoming events, find out more at painfreebirth.com. See you next week.
